We all fall apart sometime. Or rather,
the reality of it strikes us. Sometimes it's a myriad of tiny
reality pin pricks and other times, it's a blow.
My friend posted this photo to Facebook last night. That's me on the left.
Insert: CRINGE, SWEAR, & GRIMACE
I've been trying to un-see it for the hours
that have passed since. It was taken the morning after a super fun triple family camp out.
I don't always look angry, bloated, and
exhausted. I usually don't wear my pajama shorts with the top half
of my outfit, either. But, that's how things were when I got called
outside for a group photo with a couple of ladies (and a baby) whom I absolutely
adore.
Neither do I consider myself a
particularly vain person, although I'm at least moderately vain-I
think most women (and men) are to some extent. So, my inner reaction surprised me with its intensity.
I complain that Facebook is a
place where people cultivate an online representation of their ideal
self. Then, when a less than ideal version of myself is made public
on Facebook, I'm thoroughly uncomfortable with it. Obviously,
I'm as guilty as anyone else is of wanting to be seen only on my
terms.
Seeing myself like this-it holds a
mirror up to me that no ordinary mirror can hold up. I'm flawed.
I'm a year away from 40 and I have to work harder and harder to keep
things the way they've always been because I don't know what else to
do. I feel like I can really, re-he-healllllly identify with Goldie and Meryl in Death
Becomes Her.
Yes, I want to, need to, UN-SEE it.
What to do when the seams unravel? The
outer seams, (wrinkles, bulges, gravity's pull) and the inner
seams (anxiety, negative self-talk, fear)?
What brings the pieces together? What silences the negativity and fear? What reveals the beauty at the heart
center?
It's not a what, it's a whom...
Jesus. It's that simple and that
complicated.
It's a daily, every hour, every minute, every second
struggle to tune in to Him and tune out from the lies. Lies that say
my value can be found in the most vulnerable and fleeting of places.
It's time for some Proverbs 31:30, my
friends.
Charm
is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD
is to be praised.
I pray-for peace-acceptance that
this is the way of time.
I pray for gratitude-much of the
reason I lose sleep and feel trapped in another person's body is
because I have 2 little human beings I'd never trade for a wrinkle-free complexion or bump-less silhouette.
I pray for Love-His Love, for me-that I would
allow myself to receive it, that I would love myself
enough to release unrealistic expectations and be joyful. JOYFUL, I
tell you!
I pray for freedom-freedom from the desire to prove
something, the endless striving for what's out of reach, from finding
self value from anywhere I ought not be seeking, and from any other ideas that bind me and prevent me from being near to Him.
Does that mean I quit taking care of
myself? Of course it doesn't-being healthy makes life more...just,
more! And, putting an effort into one's appearance is rewarding-but, I
do this for my own reasons.
I'm sure one day a much worse image of
me will be made public. That's okay.
It's much less attractive to be held down in chains.
