The Female Form As Force of Nature

Lately I've begun formulating new thought processes regarding my body.  I've been very fortunate in that I take after my mother physically.  We can gain weight very quickly but we can also lose it just as quickly.  The main difference is that she was done having kids before I had my first.  Baby making mid thirties poses new challenges if you are expecting to go back to the body you had before.

After almost two years since I had my baby, my body has not returned to the way it was.  I don't think it ever will.  I haven't given up and I will continue my practice of yoga (which is about so much more than my appearance) and am doing specific abdominal work (learned while becoming certified for postnatal yoga instruction).  The point is finding the place of balance.  I want to be healthy and I want to continue doing things that make me healthy but I also want to let go of the part of me who longs for what once was.  I carried a human being in my body for nine months and then nursed her for 18 more.  Not to mention that without there even being a baby in the mix, hitting your middle thirties changes things-big time.  I know women who have babies and then look as if it never happened, I have to admit that I envy them-and I have to point out that this baby making stuff (usually) happened in their twenties.

I keep looking at the clothes I used to wear and how they made me feel that I was able to communicate something about myself to the rest of the world simply by wearing them.  Many of them look silly on me now and although I never would have thought myself to be "skinny" before, I now look like a grown woman trying on kids clothes.  Finding things that flatter a more curvy figure and still communicate "me" is at best, difficult.  It is making me question who it is that I think I am, in fact, and the answer is not easily reached.

The new process I'm working on goes something like this....view your body as the result of what it has done and is capable of.  I grew an entire person inside of me and provided everything she needed for survival once she emerged from my womb.  I was careful with body products used, food eaten, air breathed, etc.  Now, my midsection is different from the one I was so accustomed to...and it should be.  Something happened there that is happening each day to women all over the world-a quiet force of nature taking over their bodies, their thoughts, and their emotions.  All for the insane privilege of bringing their little one into the universe...

I also carry her with this body, care for her, and make our house into a home.  I make my husband very happy with it, too and I have to say that he has told me he enjoys the more curvy frame I now sport.

What do I do for myself with it?  While practicing yoga I am able to create more energy or subdue it and always am able to transition from mere movement to a place of worship wherein I thank my creator for this healthy body and for the lifelong joy I have found in simply moving it.  Which brings me to dancing-dancing is my natural element, it seems...music brings out the fiercest desire in me to translate with my body what I'm hearing and what it's doing to me.  I have always thought it would be so amazing to be able to sing (which I can't-it's quite dreadful when I do), but if I were to have to choose, I could not imagine a life without dance.  I also have girlfriends who I have grown exponentially closer with because we share a love of tearing up a dance floor with each other.

I have to keep catching myself in the middle of dissatisfaction and remind myself that I'm dissatisfied because I only see my body through the eyes of comparison.  I compare it to the bodies of other women and I compare it to my own past body.  I am going to rewire my brain and maybe it won't ever be 100%, but I will start viewing it as the sacred place of creation, love, and art that it is.

I will be gentle with myself.  A lovely friend gave me a refrigerator magnet last year reading, "Be gentle with yourself.  You are a child of the universe, no less than the moon and the stars.  In the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul."  I will not harm myself through thoughts that bring me down but will love myself and be grateful for this gift that I have.

Yes, body-you are not as tight as you used to be, but you are strong, nurturing, capable, sensual, musically inclined, and bring me closer to God.  For all of these reasons, and more, I thank you.

Poo-Poo Yogabutt

Today while practicing yoga (as usual, via Fit TV on dvr), I was ready to get into a decent relaxation at savasana time.  Usually I press stop on the dvr and take a regular 5+ minutes to do so.  I think I should preface this by saying that I have taken to practicing while Ever is up rather than her nap time like I did before.  It's just more beneficial for me to do it earlier in the day.

Mental picture:  Me, eyes closed, palms up, laying flat, relaxed, breathing....ahhhhhh...then sudden pressure on my collarbone almost simultaneously accompanied by a puff of poopie diaper air shooting up my nostrils on an inhale.  Eyes open, and there is a little stinky butt right in front of my face that rotates quickly and turns into a pair of happy little aquamarine eyes and a roughly placed sandcastle mold of Mount Rushmore right on my face and the word "pet-ty" (pretty).

Yes, that is my savasana-she made me laugh so hard (ok, a little painfully with that toy shoved into my nose).  I kissed her little face all over, scooped her up, and hurried upstairs to work my poopie butt magic.

Baby Picks Nasty Jar Meat Over Yummy French Toast-What's This World Coming To?

I just fed Ever for the fourth time today.  She is now in a phase that is exquisitely frustrating for me. She will sit in front of her food for an hour without eating it.  Not because she doesn't want it, it's because she would like for me to sit in front of her and feed her, bite by very
slow
solid food eating
bite.

This came after this afternoon's self congratulatory pat at my mommy genius/productivity.  Today we went to 2 mommy play groups-the morning group was play time/learning activities and the afternoon group was a totally fun music/dance class mommy group.  I was feeling so satisfied with myself, by the way.  What is it about doing this stuff that makes me feel like I'm such a great mom as opposed to when I don't do this stuff?  Maybe it just lifts my mood-getting out and talking to some grown ups, going down the slide with her, shaking kiddy maracas while jumping around like a kookaburra Carmen Miranda...which in turn makes me feel like a better mom.  I guess I just answered my own question.

Add to that:  when she woke from her nap, rather than jumping into our evening routine in the usual frenetically tired way I typically do, I sat down with her in her room and played quietly with her, read with her, and cuddled her.  During this time I planned exactly what to do when I got downstairs-her linner (lunch/dinner, in case you think it's a type-o), my linner, and also dinner.

Sooooo...after my faboo idea of making french toast for her, I came down and made some very yummy food.  I know, because I ate a slice and thought to myself, "Dang, this is good."  Ever had hers served with a little dipping dish of yogurt.  She quickly turned herself into yogurt Santa Claus and then proceeded to sit there with her untouched french toast for
a
very
long
time.
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrghhhh!!  She didn't even want a bite of it if I fed it to her slowly.

So, I busted out the Gerber that I keep on hand for these occasions.  I just feel like she SHOULD be eating only solid food made by me-because there are tons of moms out there who are either lying about it or really giving their kids fresh food for almost every meal.  I had to breathe more shallowly while giving her that funky meat from the jar while pondering how she could eschew the french toast in favor of this stuff....?!?!?!?

Sigh.

I'm sure this is not the most exciting thing anyone has read today-it's more of a venting post than anything else.  Feel free to charge me for any precious minutes of your life I may have wasted with my mama laments or share your own via comments.  Not sure how I'd pay up should you choose to charge-hopefully you like french toast.

Besos!

You Know How Ridiculously Much You Love Them When...

They come at you with a cold and give you a slimy boogie kiss right on the mouth and then scamper off leaving you giggling and trying to wipe it off.

Especially if you're normally a germaphobe who hates to be sick such as myself under normal circumstances.

But, being a mama who is head over heels for your little one is anything but normal-and blissfully so, I might add.

Highly Recommended Beauty Stuff

Today, I am just going to highly recommend a couple of  beauty items I cannot live without.

This does not settle, cake, or smear...in other words, it doesn't make you look good for 10 minutes only to make you look horrible for the rest of the day.











This mascara does actually give straighter lashes more curl.  I still use my curler, but this mascara does not let them falter once curled.  **The regular one is okay, but the waterproof is the one that I LOVE**











Shu Uemura, eat your heart out.  This curler is great for not pulling out lashes, gives a natural curl and can also give a more dramatic curl (depending on how it's used), and comes with the lovely bonus of being produced by Japonesque.  I love this company and have loyally used only their eyelash curlers since 1996.

All you have to do for refills is visit their site, select the item needing refills, and they will send you free refills for the LIFE OF THE CURLER!!  No, I'm not joking.  Buy it.

Japonesque Curler Refill Program



More to come later...

Blah Blah Blah, Whine Whine Whine

Watching Julie & Julia-getting blogspiration...had an alarmingly unproductive day today.
Yesterday's toys on the ground...
Yesterday's dishes in the machine... 


I think you get the picture...


I happened to tune in just when author Julie Powell played by Amy Adams is convinced she has no readers, asks if anyone is reading, and then gets a comment from her mother asking her why she's doing it because clearly no one is reading.


I know there must be readers, many of my lovely FB friends are followers...and I blog for myself as much as for it to be read.  


Well, that's about it for this whiny post.

Open Hand, Full Spirit

Making time to separate from my daily routine is the crushed red pepper in the plate of my life.  For me, crushed red pepper makes almost anything edible better and more enjoyable.

On Sunday we spent the afternoon being totally lazy at the beach.  There is no better time to go than a mild early autumn day.  We ran on the shore, Jabez and Eric jumped from giant rock to giant rock, and we searched for beautiful shells/stones.

While searching,  time seemed suspended.  We were laying in a belt of these pebbles, shells, and stones-which were smoothed and softened by the water.  Everlyse was completely consumed by this-she came to me to drop different treasures she had found into my palm with utter pride and excitement.  Jay proved himself to have an unfailing ability to locate the most exquisite finds with his budding artist's eye, as well.  Eric and I just absorbed it, enjoyed it, and were fed spiritually by it.  From time to time Everlyse would pop her face right in front of mine, say something I would have given my left eye to understand in her sing-song voice filled with happiness, and get back to work.  It was like taking a deep breath of life giving oxygen that went right to my soul.

Today, we hit the playground, Everlyse and I.  She practiced all of her newfound skills and had a great time.  Before heading home, I scooped her up onto my lap and got on the swings with her.  I made up a song about us sitting on the swing and she just melted into me.  The warm autumn air picked up her random curls and her sweet baby smell filled me up.  I cried right there, so happy to have stopped just long enough to receive this gift.

I often feel that I don't spend enough time in prayer...but it is at times like this that I understand my very life is a prayer.  Being still and opening my hand in quiet expectation guarantees that God will fill it with a miracle.