Mommy with a Passion

Motherhood...the movie.  I don't know why this film only got 2 stars except that it was likely reviewed by people who had not experienced motherhood in a similar way.  Uma is great playing the kind of role I LOVE her in-quirky/awkward/still undeniably gorgeous underneath it all, albeit quietly so.

I don't have the same exact daily struggle that her character (Eliza) does.  I do relate to the sense of loss tempered with the love for her family that she is experiencing.

There is a line in the movie in which Eliza (having nearly experienced a breakdown/meltdown) is discussing her state with her husband (after he added to her aggravation by reading and making "suggestions" to a piece of her writing in a very insensitive manner).  She says that the daily "concrete and specific tasks" she performs as a mother make it nearly impossible to have or experience a life with passion.

I had never heard it put into words before...this tugging I feel within that tells me something is being lost.  It's myself...and I don't mean to say that it's a bad idea to become a mother or to take it a step further and decide to raise your child yourself and put your career on hold.  I do have some days when it feels as if the daily routine of feed/clean/feed/clean/feed/clean has worn down at me to the point of having little excitement about much of anything.

Daily, while Ever naps, I make a choice.  I can either write or get some exercise.  It's a tough choice for me...I want to get rid of my baby gut, but I feel at least a little bit accomplished when I write.  It would be great if I could do both each day and maybe I'll figure it out sometime.

The most helpful thing for me is to revisit myself a few years ago.  I wanted this and was terrified of wanting this all at once.  Eric was nowhere in sight and I honestly don't think I could have invented a person who would love me the way that he does.  He loves being a husband and a father.  He honors our marriage and our family in each of his choices and I cannot help but do the same for him.

Now, I am a mother to our daughter and to Eric's nine year old son and all of the ways I feel gifted at leading and teaching are put to the test daily in the smallest ways....such as feeding and cleaning.  I remember this as I become aggravated and I put my gratitude and love behind these seemingly insignificant mommy tasks.

I think of my own mother and how it felt to come home after school and to smell the sopa de arroz outside the door before I even got in.  It felt like heaven.  To this day when I'm making it, I'm tempted to run outside and stand in front of my house in hopes of feeling that again.  If safe had a smell, it was that. Sopa de arroz wafting outside my parents house on an autumn day....

I think of this and I remind myself daily that one day Ever and Jay will be parents, what they see, hear, taste, and smell now will influence them for a lifetime.  Their ideas of safe and of home are being formed subconsciously in the smallest ways.  I am part of that, and all of these small things gather into something substantial and valuable.